Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tough day

Boy, today sure is a rough day.
I have to go back to work tomorrow. Not sure if that is the reason I am so blue. I feel shaky inside, too. I can't find anything to occupy my time. Nothing makes me feel happy or safe. I hate these days. Several times today I have been on the verge of tears. Still trying to make sense of this life of mine. How can anyone loose a child and ever be whole again?
I wonder if God does in fact have a plan for my life. Plans to prosper, not to harm.
I always felt that my children were safe from tragedy. Afterall, my childhood was horrible and I just couldn't imagine God touching my children. Children are a crown in your old age. I had already suffered enough by living through my childhood.

My mom was addicted to prescription drugs and my dad was an alcoholic. I had no brothers or sisters. I was terrified of my mom. Some days I still am. My dad was by far more loving than my mom. My parents fought daily. It never failed, when we went of vacation one of them would get mad on the trip and ruin it for everyone else. One time my dad got mad at mom, pulled over on the berm of the highway, kicked her out of the car and pulled away. I was maybe 8-10 years old. don't remember what happened after that but obviously he went back and got her.
I went through therapy after I started having panic attacks around age 25. Therapy helped. Meds were needed but I did get off of them after a short time.

Maybe tomorrow will be better....
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