After reading Beth's One Blessed Nana's post this morning I felt inspired to go back to my bible to search God's word. I went to this Psalm that as much meaning to me. This first part of the Psalm takes me back to a place I never want touch again. Ever.
1 O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground,
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
7 Answer me quickly, O Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
I found this Psalm shortly after we lost Joshua. This scripture so idenified my pain, my thoughts. Each verse seem to capture what I felt right down to the very core of my soul.
I begged for the Lord to come and give my soul relief from the deep, agonizing pain.
I felt as though maybe I was being punished for my sins by taking Joshua away from us.
Satan was with me every second of the day, crushing my soul with torment of thoughts that I can't even tell you about.
My spirit and my heart are so crushed.
I played in my mind countless times how we tried to raise our children in church, knowing YOU. and your word tells me to consider what your hands have done. Does that mean that you did take Joshua away from us, punishing us?
I lay on the bathroom floor begging to see my son. I am so empty inside except the piercing pain that won't leave me.
Please Lord, show yourself to me. Let me see you in my life.